I've been looking through a lot of other blogs trying to find some others about the same subjects that I'm planning on writing about and haven't had much luck. However, I have discovered that most blogs are about the writer or close family members. Made me think that I should write about my personal life, although I will continue to write about the other aspects that I have already mentioned. This way, you can get to know me in a way that basically nobody else can. Obviously, it's all from my perspective but I'll do the best I can. Also, I understand for those of you who bother to read this, I am not a very good writer. I write what I think and it doesn't exactly come out academically. LOL
To start things off I guess I will say that I was born in Hawthorne, CA and for the first 3 years of my non-memory filled life I lived in Gardena, CA with my mom and E (The dad that is on my birth certificate) until my Grandpa got transferred to Napa, CA and their kids, including my mom, followed along like little ducklings. At that time my mom didn't give much of an option to 'dad', I'm going, are you going with. Henceforth, I never knew him.
I will continue this story soon. Ran out of time, must get other stuff done. Until then, enjoy yourself.
James
I was going to start a whole new post but decided to try editing this one instead. Here goes.
So, I never knew my dad. What I did know was that E was on my birth certificate and that my Grandma swore up and down that B was my dad not E. What I didn't know was vast and now I know much more and can put the puzzle together pretty well. I think however, I will put off telling more about what I know now that I didn't know then till a little later. First, I will go over my early life because it was influenced greatly by the lack of knowledge about my dad situation. I truly believe that if I was a little more informed that it may have been different but it's all part of what made me, me. Although, that's not always what I wish it was, I'm happy with it! :)
I grew up very anti-social and extremely shy. Not to mention that I was always being told how smart I was and how good I was going to do. In an unfortunate way this drove me to be very unsatisfied and depressed. I tried hard to make sure that I continued to do good but it didn't always work out. The first time I had to move from one school to another I rebelled against it all and started failing and then I would forge my moms signature on my bad grades. Needless to say, I got into trouble quite a bit but it didn't last very long.
My childhood was very uninteresting as I remember it. I didn't have very many friends at all and I never wanted to bring them over to my house because I was embarrassed of it. It was rarely clean, my mom spent most of her time yelling either at me or one of the other two siblings. So, every once in awhile I would hang out with a friend of mine but mostly I just lived in my bedroom, hung out at the creek or rode my bicycle around. I didn't get involved in school functions, which is something I really wish I would have done, and I didn't play games much. Some of it had to do with finances. We didn't have money to spend on "silly" things, but mostly because I didn't know how to interact with others. I had a very low self esteem and took everything overly serious.
Well, back to the dad situation. I don't remember for sure when F came into our lives but I know that I really started to notice a father figure in my life around 13 or so. I isolated myself from everything and it was mostly because what I saw I didn't like (Drugs and angry people). In fact, I think I may have some repressed memories, sometimes I feel like I repressed a lot of the bad things that happened. Not sure.
But I started getting out of my shell hanging out with F working on vehicles. I don't think I was involved enough but I do know that I started having an interest in it and I think that it was simply because there was a man in my life that had an interest in it and was willing to involve me now and then.
At about 24 I decided that I was done hiding myself from my father situation and I found contact information for E and I called him. He was very excited to hear from me and said that he had been waiting for that day. It was rather exciting for me as well but I think because of the disagreement between my mother and grandmother (Oma) about who my father was I don't think I was as excited as I should have been. My girlfriend at the time who became my wife a little later and my ex wife recently and I flew down to meet him and his wife. It was a great trip and went very well. I'm extremely glad to have made the decision to call him and get connected and forever he will be dad. However, there was this thought in the back of my head about B. The only picture I had of him was from my moms and his wedding and he looked a lot like me. In fact, many people said they were very certain that he had to be my dad.
Just last year, I got contact information for B and decided to give him a call. The difference with the call I made to B and the one I made to E was that when I called E I was calling my dad and I was treating it exactly as such. When I called B, I was calling someone who may be my dad but I already had my dad in my life. So, when I explained who I was and the reason for calling, I also explained that all I wanted was a DNA test so that I could know for sure. He agreed and we had a few conversations in the mean time before getting the process started. B explained much more of the overall story than I had ever known up to this point. Him and E had been working together at PB and he was married to my mom when one day she (my mother) came to him and said that she was pregnant but it was not his. She had an affair with E and it was his child not B's. You can imagine the feelings he had about this. Now for me, I was born of an affair and my whole life I was not aware of the specific fact but I was aware that I was born out of wedlock because my mom was not married to E. But then the twist. My Oma was right. The test came back that B was my biological father which also meant that I was actually born in wedlock although a twisted and not so connected one. I have not yet met B and I hope to do so sooner than later but there are much too many things going on in my life to be able to focus on that.
More to come in future posts. Next post however will be something different because honestly, I'm getting a little depressed thinking about this stuff and I was in a pretty good mood before hand. Thank you to everyone who actually read through this. It feels good to get it out in this fashion oddly enough. I hope that E does not stumble on this (I doubt he will) for I have not told him the details and seeing as how he has no other children and is not in very good health (diabetic with a not so strong heart), I have not figured out how or if I am going to tell him.
Till next time,
James
