Answers? Where and How?

There are so many darn questions in life.  Some seem simple enough and you just choose and down that path you go.  Others cause you to really wonder, what the heck is to be done.  If it were possible to look at a detailed timeline of your life you would find that many of the simple ones you chose led you to the very ones that really tear at you.  My life has been mess, most of it in fact, and the only reason is me.  The choices I've made from the options I was given.  So, now, it really makes me wonder, what will come of the choices I'm making now?  Should I be making slightly different choices (are much different for that matter)?  Puzzling when you think like me.  I've been convincing myself that I'm a raving lunatic.  LOL

I Love people, I really do but things have happened over the last couple years that is starting to shake that.  My trust in life is in a state of confusion and I feel like I'm being shaped into what the majority of people are but I don't want to be the majority.  I want to be me!  One of the things I pondered a week or so ago was this, There are many wonderous things in this life.  One of the amazing things that I really enjoy and most people do as well is Waterfalls.  So majestic and beautiful.  I've been to many different ones in this region.  Each one with their own beauty and power.  Each one different.  Some are very wide, some very tall, some tiny, some weak, some strong (you get the idea).  And everyone seems to enjoy them all with all their differences but yet we as people tend to judge each other harshly for each of our differences and over time (many many years) has shaped us to be generally the same.  Groups of differences yes, but generally the same and with each group looking at the other group like there is something wrong with them instead of enjoying their differences.

I am confused also with myself.  I thouroughly enjoy helping people whenever I can.  It puts a smile on my face and gives me a place to belong.  I truly do love my "Born into" family.  My Mother, Sisters, even my brother.  My Aunt, Uncle, cousins, etc....  (My uncle I looked up to big time (still do) and I will have to do a whole post on him one day).  But, sadly, I never truly felt like I belonged amongst them.  I don't actually know why and I simply think it has to do with the fact that I'm different.  Like the ugly duckling in the story.  And no, I never felt as though I was adopted and I know for a fact that's not the case but I would imagine that I feel the same as someone who had been. 

So, I guess with all that, it's not very confusing to me why I grew up wanting to start a family of my own.  It was actually my dream in life.  I didn't want to be a doctor, or fireman, or police officer.  I wanted to be a father.  To this day I want to be and I know that even under my current circumstances I have every possibility to be a great father but it's much more difficult when divorced.  Throughout this week, I've decided, that I was going to tell my unfortunate stories to the best of my abilities in regards to why I am divorced and also of not being a part of my first born sons life.  Dustin Michael Mathlin is my first born son and I wish I had been more capable and strong enough to accept the circumstances and been closer to him like I am doing with my other 3. 

However, for now this is all.  I have many strange, possibly unique, philosophies about life that I will start documenting in my posts and would love to hear back as to how crazy you think I am.  I don't actually think I'm crazy.  In fact, I think everyone else is ;)   hahahahahaha 

James