The Man behind Uncaged

There is the man I used to be and the man I am now.  With that said, there are good things and bad things about that.  Either way, when I first started this blog I posted a couple personal entries and various business entries but it's been some time since I've written anything personal and so I've decided to change that.

I started up Uncaged Motorsports with the help of a friend back in September 2008 and went from a life of living as someone doing what was needed to survive to a man with a passion focused on the passion regardless of the cost.  I lost a lot since then and may continue to lose more in the pursuit of doing what I want and enjoy doing.  For the most part, people around me have no idea of my challenges due to the fact that I smile and am happy and today I thought about that a bit.

It came across my mind that I don't spend much time with friends and how much I don't like that.  Curious why my brain focused on that fact at the million miles a second it normally runs and it spotted that my stresses and maintenance of a positive attitude causes my "free" time to be consumed trying to escape my world and very little gets done.  I really really want Uncaged Motorsports to succeed and that focus has essentially put me in divorce (obviously, under the circumstances, she didn't "Love" me because Love does not fail) breaking up my family (3 amazing children), lost me my awesome truck (2005 Ford F150 Lariat Crew Cab), my house and much of my sanity.

After less than a year of opening the wife left due to stress because finances were extremely tight due to spending all money on the shop to get it going and grow it.  I lost everything else not because she took it but because my source of income was my own business and I was now spending so much of my time trying to save my marriage including flying to Alaska (where she ran off to and hooked up with an old friend) to get her to come back.  Roughly a year after that all started, I had to give up on the business just to keep my head above water (plus I didn't have a place to run the business anymore since I lost the house to the bank).

I went to work as a Waiter at Wingers restaurant and lived off the tips primarily, because child support took 50% of my paycheck.  Then a man, whom I feel I now owe way more than I could ever pay back, contacted me about working on his Benelli motorcycle because of several people recommending me and made me an offer of working to get the business going out of his shop free of rent.  This was an opportunity I could not pass up because getting the shop going is definitely something I wanted and even though I felt I wasn't financially ready, a free shop was offered and so it started.  The downfall is that I really wasn't ready financially and still had too many debts that I accrued through the past and now I'm back to running the shop which some months cost me to do even with free rent.  Now I'm working nights at Roosters Steak and Chop house (Wingers fired me due to complications in scheduling and Roosters is only open at nights) and some of that money earned goes towards growing Uncaged, the kids spending time with me, paying debts and current bills.

Now, the time has come that I have to find a shop of my own and I'm having a hard time finding the financial means to make that happen but I also do not want to give up on Uncaged.  I truly feel I can make this work and that it would already be doing fairly well if I had the funds to have a sign made, do a little local advertising and so forth.  So I am at a crossroads of decisions and I feel like I'm falling apart due to the type of stress it is causing me.  I am currently homeless and have been since a great guy was helping me out by allowing me to live with him until he found a special someone and is now married to that person.  So I've been sleeping in my car, the shop, and with my cousin.  And I feel like I could possibly, with lots of hard work and little to no play, afford to pay rent but I cannot come up with deposit and such in the time frame that I have.

Homeless and a bit battered up I still manage to keep my self positive but at the cost of not having a best friend or many friends at all that I can manage the time to hang out with and stay connected with.  So often I have to deal with my brain telling me how much of a failure I am and that I can't accomplish anything and that I don't deserve anyone special in my life.  I expend lots of time and energy in staving off those thoughts that it's taking away from more important things that I could accomplish.

In conclusion, I need to make a decision, possibly a very difficult one for me and one that could create a stronger sense of failure, in order to save myself financially and mentally.

Well, time to get back to it.  Thanks for listening to me vent some very substantial information out of my own necessity.

Getting Re-Setup after Hardship

Most of us have had some difficult times over the last few years due in large part to the war in Afghanistan/September 11th. I for one am very proud of our country for stepping up and doing what needs to be done and the quality of life we are fighting for and like everyone else, I SUPPORT OUR TROOPS 100%. Having spent 4 years in the Navy on Submarines, I would love to be a part of the cause. However, it's very unfortunate that our country is in the current financial state that it is in. I believe that we as a people will either find a solution (preferrable) but if we don't, we will still hold our own and come out of this with our heads held high. I support and firmly agree with the statement recently made by Warren Buffet and have many opinions as to what needs to be done to fix things but I also know that it's never that easy when there are so many people involved. Regrdless of the hard times, this business venture is very important to me and I intend to fight to make it work and I will fight just as hard to make sure that 100% of those who support my cause are 100% satisfied. Give me a chance and I will show you just how important it is to me

The Effects of Being Nice

I've been doing a lot of searching inside myself as some of my posts have already made clear I guess.  Tonight at work, I once again heard something I have heard many times before and this time I've been thinking about it and adding all the times up.  I am told very often how great/nice I am.  I make a strong effort to be "nice" to everyone.  Not just the people close to me or that I want to get something out of.  Everyone.  And it does take a conscience effort so it is very nice to hear.  But along with that in many instances it is followed with a descriptive on how when your nice your going to get screwed over.

Now, I believe myself to be a fairly intelligent man.  But I do not deny my ignorance to many things in life.  When I look back through life looking for the examples I can see many times where it shows that my being nice was taken advantage of.  Where I got metaphorically screwed.  I honestly don't care.  I would much rather spend my life being the poor, broken down, lonely, old man who has been nice and taken advantage of his whole life than to change that about myself.

This all leads me to wonder, why?  Why do we as a people allow this idea of being nice will hurt at some point be the truth?  Why do we take advantage of people who are nice to us?  Is it intentional or natural?  I mentioned being nieve/ignorant about goings on but I truly believe that everyone is a good person.  I truly mean that.  Every single person I've ever known or haven't known is a good person.  They've made poor decisions and had horrible things happen to them and have therefore had a different view which became harmful to others but inside of them is a genuinely good person.  If only there was a key or cleaning product to remove the fear, hatred, and hurt from them, the good would shine through.  Have I unintentionally "screwed" someone over that was being nice to me? I don't believe so but I have also learned that rarely do people confront others when they have an issue.  They prefer to "rumor" about it to their friends/coworkers/family.

I cannot find the answers to all these questions and I will not even try, if I'm to be honest.  But what an amazing difference it would make, I think, if we all put the extra effort in to not let the fear of being taken advantage of stop us from being nice.  Not let the resentment of past happenings of hurt cause us to in turn cause hurt to others.  It isn't easy but for some reason I think that it would be worth it for all of us if we could find the strength to do that.  I know I am going to make an even stronger effort of helping when I can and doing the right thing for others more.  It just makes me feel better and that is worth it to me.

James

Answers? Where and How?

There are so many darn questions in life.  Some seem simple enough and you just choose and down that path you go.  Others cause you to really wonder, what the heck is to be done.  If it were possible to look at a detailed timeline of your life you would find that many of the simple ones you chose led you to the very ones that really tear at you.  My life has been mess, most of it in fact, and the only reason is me.  The choices I've made from the options I was given.  So, now, it really makes me wonder, what will come of the choices I'm making now?  Should I be making slightly different choices (are much different for that matter)?  Puzzling when you think like me.  I've been convincing myself that I'm a raving lunatic.  LOL

I Love people, I really do but things have happened over the last couple years that is starting to shake that.  My trust in life is in a state of confusion and I feel like I'm being shaped into what the majority of people are but I don't want to be the majority.  I want to be me!  One of the things I pondered a week or so ago was this, There are many wonderous things in this life.  One of the amazing things that I really enjoy and most people do as well is Waterfalls.  So majestic and beautiful.  I've been to many different ones in this region.  Each one with their own beauty and power.  Each one different.  Some are very wide, some very tall, some tiny, some weak, some strong (you get the idea).  And everyone seems to enjoy them all with all their differences but yet we as people tend to judge each other harshly for each of our differences and over time (many many years) has shaped us to be generally the same.  Groups of differences yes, but generally the same and with each group looking at the other group like there is something wrong with them instead of enjoying their differences.

I am confused also with myself.  I thouroughly enjoy helping people whenever I can.  It puts a smile on my face and gives me a place to belong.  I truly do love my "Born into" family.  My Mother, Sisters, even my brother.  My Aunt, Uncle, cousins, etc....  (My uncle I looked up to big time (still do) and I will have to do a whole post on him one day).  But, sadly, I never truly felt like I belonged amongst them.  I don't actually know why and I simply think it has to do with the fact that I'm different.  Like the ugly duckling in the story.  And no, I never felt as though I was adopted and I know for a fact that's not the case but I would imagine that I feel the same as someone who had been. 

So, I guess with all that, it's not very confusing to me why I grew up wanting to start a family of my own.  It was actually my dream in life.  I didn't want to be a doctor, or fireman, or police officer.  I wanted to be a father.  To this day I want to be and I know that even under my current circumstances I have every possibility to be a great father but it's much more difficult when divorced.  Throughout this week, I've decided, that I was going to tell my unfortunate stories to the best of my abilities in regards to why I am divorced and also of not being a part of my first born sons life.  Dustin Michael Mathlin is my first born son and I wish I had been more capable and strong enough to accept the circumstances and been closer to him like I am doing with my other 3. 

However, for now this is all.  I have many strange, possibly unique, philosophies about life that I will start documenting in my posts and would love to hear back as to how crazy you think I am.  I don't actually think I'm crazy.  In fact, I think everyone else is ;)   hahahahahaha 

James

Heaven

Been working a bit lately and also feeling extremely tired so that's why I haven't gotten here to write anything new.  However, I have a day off today (only one this week) and I came upon something I decided I wanted to write about.

I'm not one of those people who really enjoys watching the news but every time I open my browser I like to look through the headlines and when something catches my attention I check it out.  Today there was a story about a young boy, 11 years old, who at the age of 4 had his appendix burst and wasn't noticed for like 5 days and when they realized there were some issues, he was taken to the hospital but his chances looked bad.  Apparently, he "died" during this process because he says he was in "Heaven" sitting on Jesus' lap.  The young boy saw his sister in heaven (she was never born, she was a miscarriage that Mom and Dad never told this young man about) and also his Great Grandpa (on his dads side apparently).  This whole thing turned into a book, which I am thinking about getting, called "Heaven is for Real".

I have some very unorthodox beliefs but no matter what my beliefs are, this to me is an  amazingly beautiful story.  And it also is a somewhat familiar story to me as well.  I've discussed my childhood in regards to my father situation but I never mentioned how my "oma and ota" were such a very large part of turning me into the man I am.  For a time period (the amount of years I am unsure) I lived with them instead of my mom.  I looked up to them and I still believe my Grandma was the most wonderful woman in the world to this day.  But what I want to talk about comes from my ota.  He, a few times, had told me a story under the pretenses of proving to me that heaven was real, about how his father, at a very old age, was lying on his death bed and he and his mother were both there in the room (not sure who else).  His father passed away and his mom pounded on his chest in frustration begging him not to leave her yet.  After a minute, or roundabout, he did come back to life and he asked her why she did that.  He explained that he had been in heaven and it was so beautiful.  Why did she bring him back?  My Grandpa (ota) explained it very seriously and said that it was how he knew without a doubt that heaven existed.  His father lived for a little time longer but when he passed, I believe his story of heaven helped all his loved ones deal with the loss and possibly, as I believe it should for all of us, made them happy that he left one life to start his eternal life. 

One last short little story.  Last night I was talking to a wonderful woman who has attached her life to a man that I had given up on.  This man is a family member of mine and has chosen a path in life that is very hurtful to not only him but to many others and has spent lots of time behind bars because of it.  She turned to me for some advice which I am always all to willing to give my opinion even though I think I'm a bit crazy.  And through the discussions she gave me a huge compliment that made my heart smile.  My crazy, unusual beliefs were shared and somehow out of it she says, "right on i have never thought of it that way. you know i really like talking to you it is nice t talk to a person that makes things better makes people feel good about themselves."  It made me very warm inside and I hope that I have that effect on others in my life down my path.

Thanks for reading,
James

My lifes starting point

I've been looking through a lot of other blogs trying to find some others about the same subjects that I'm planning on writing about and haven't had much luck.  However, I have discovered that most blogs are about the writer or close family members.  Made me think that I should write about my personal life, although I will continue to write about the other aspects that I have already mentioned.  This way, you can get to know me in a way that basically nobody else can.  Obviously, it's all from my perspective but I'll do the best I can.  Also, I understand for those of you who bother to read this, I am not a very good writer.  I write what I think and it doesn't exactly come out academically.  LOL

To start things off I guess I will say that I was born in Hawthorne, CA and for the first 3 years of my non-memory filled life I lived in Gardena, CA with my mom and E (The dad that is on my birth certificate) until my Grandpa got transferred to Napa, CA and their kids, including my mom, followed along like little ducklings.  At that time my mom didn't give much of an option to 'dad', I'm going, are you going with.  Henceforth, I never knew him. 

I will continue this story soon.  Ran out of time, must get other stuff done.  Until then, enjoy yourself.

James

I was going to start a whole new post but decided to try editing this one instead.  Here goes.

So, I never knew my dad.  What I did know was that E was on my birth certificate and that my Grandma swore up and down that B was my dad not E.  What I didn't know was vast and now I know much more and can put the puzzle together pretty well.  I think however, I will put off telling more about what I know now that I didn't know then till a little later.  First, I will go over my early life because it was influenced greatly by the lack of knowledge about my dad situation.  I truly believe that if I was a little more informed that it may have been different but it's all part of what made me, me.  Although, that's not always what I wish it was, I'm happy with it!  :)

I grew up very anti-social and extremely shy.  Not to mention that I was always being told how smart I was and how good I was going to do.  In an unfortunate way this drove me to be very unsatisfied and depressed.  I tried hard to make sure that I continued to do good but it didn't always work out.  The first time I had to move from one school to another I rebelled against it all and started failing and then I would forge my moms signature on my bad grades.  Needless to say, I got into trouble quite a bit but it didn't last very long.

My childhood was very uninteresting as I remember it.  I didn't have very many friends at all and I never wanted to bring them over to my house because I was embarrassed of it.  It was rarely clean, my mom spent most of her time yelling either at me or one of the other two siblings.  So, every once in awhile I would hang out with a friend of mine but mostly I just lived in my bedroom, hung out at the creek or rode my bicycle around.  I didn't get involved in school functions, which is something I really wish I would have done, and I didn't play games much.  Some of it had to do with finances.  We didn't have money to spend on "silly" things, but mostly because I didn't know how to interact with others.  I had a very low self esteem and took everything overly serious. 

Well, back to the dad situation.  I don't remember for sure when F came into our lives but I know that I really started to notice a father figure in my life around 13 or so.  I isolated myself from everything and it was mostly because what I saw I didn't like (Drugs and angry people).  In fact, I think I may have some repressed memories, sometimes I feel like I repressed a lot of the bad things that happened.  Not sure.

But I started getting out of my shell hanging out with F working on vehicles.  I don't think I was involved enough but I do know that I started having an interest in it and I think that it was simply because there was a man in my life that had an interest in it and was willing to involve me now and then.

At about 24 I decided that I was done hiding myself from my father situation and I found contact information for E and I called him.  He was very excited to hear from me and said that he had been waiting for that day.  It was rather exciting for me as well but I think because of the disagreement between my mother and grandmother (Oma) about who my father was I don't think I was as excited as I should have been.  My girlfriend at the time who became my wife a little later and my ex wife recently and I flew down to meet him and his wife.  It was a great trip and went very well.  I'm extremely glad to have made the decision to call him and get connected and forever he will be dad.  However, there was this thought in the back of my head about B.  The only picture I had of him was from my moms and his wedding and he looked a lot like me.  In fact, many people said they were very certain that he had to be my dad. 

Just last year, I got contact information for B and decided to give him a call.  The difference with the call I made to B and the one I made to E was that when I called E I was calling my dad and I was treating it exactly as such.  When I called B, I was calling someone who may be my dad but I already had my dad in my life.  So, when I explained who I was and the reason for calling, I also explained that all I wanted was a DNA test so that I could know for sure.  He agreed and we had a few conversations in the mean time before getting the process started.  B explained much more of the overall story than I had ever known up to this point.  Him and E had been working together at PB and he was married to my mom when one day she (my mother) came to him and said that she was pregnant but it was not his.  She had an affair with E and it was his child not B's.  You can imagine the feelings he had about this.  Now for me, I was born of an affair and my whole life I was not aware of the specific fact but I was aware that I was born out of wedlock because my mom was not married to E.  But then the twist.  My Oma was right.  The test came back that B was my biological father which also meant that I was actually born in wedlock although a twisted and not so connected one.  I have not yet met B and I hope to do so sooner than later but there are much too many things going on in my life to be able to focus on that.

More to come in future posts.  Next post however will be something different because honestly, I'm getting a little depressed thinking about this stuff and I was in a pretty good mood before hand.  Thank you to everyone who actually read through this.  It feels good to get it out in this fashion oddly enough.  I hope that E does not stumble on this (I doubt he will) for I have not told him the details and seeing as how he has no other children and is not in very good health (diabetic with a not so strong heart), I have not figured out how or if I am going to tell him.

Till next time,
James