I've been doing a lot of searching inside myself as some of my posts have already made clear I guess. Tonight at work, I once again heard something I have heard many times before and this time I've been thinking about it and adding all the times up. I am told very often how great/nice I am. I make a strong effort to be "nice" to everyone. Not just the people close to me or that I want to get something out of. Everyone. And it does take a conscience effort so it is very nice to hear. But along with that in many instances it is followed with a descriptive on how when your nice your going to get screwed over.
Now, I believe myself to be a fairly intelligent man. But I do not deny my ignorance to many things in life. When I look back through life looking for the examples I can see many times where it shows that my being nice was taken advantage of. Where I got metaphorically screwed. I honestly don't care. I would much rather spend my life being the poor, broken down, lonely, old man who has been nice and taken advantage of his whole life than to change that about myself.
This all leads me to wonder, why? Why do we as a people allow this idea of being nice will hurt at some point be the truth? Why do we take advantage of people who are nice to us? Is it intentional or natural? I mentioned being nieve/ignorant about goings on but I truly believe that everyone is a good person. I truly mean that. Every single person I've ever known or haven't known is a good person. They've made poor decisions and had horrible things happen to them and have therefore had a different view which became harmful to others but inside of them is a genuinely good person. If only there was a key or cleaning product to remove the fear, hatred, and hurt from them, the good would shine through. Have I unintentionally "screwed" someone over that was being nice to me? I don't believe so but I have also learned that rarely do people confront others when they have an issue. They prefer to "rumor" about it to their friends/coworkers/family.
I cannot find the answers to all these questions and I will not even try, if I'm to be honest. But what an amazing difference it would make, I think, if we all put the extra effort in to not let the fear of being taken advantage of stop us from being nice. Not let the resentment of past happenings of hurt cause us to in turn cause hurt to others. It isn't easy but for some reason I think that it would be worth it for all of us if we could find the strength to do that. I know I am going to make an even stronger effort of helping when I can and doing the right thing for others more. It just makes me feel better and that is worth it to me.
James
Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts
Friday, April 15, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Heaven
Been working a bit lately and also feeling extremely tired so that's why I haven't gotten here to write anything new. However, I have a day off today (only one this week) and I came upon something I decided I wanted to write about.
I'm not one of those people who really enjoys watching the news but every time I open my browser I like to look through the headlines and when something catches my attention I check it out. Today there was a story about a young boy, 11 years old, who at the age of 4 had his appendix burst and wasn't noticed for like 5 days and when they realized there were some issues, he was taken to the hospital but his chances looked bad. Apparently, he "died" during this process because he says he was in "Heaven" sitting on Jesus' lap. The young boy saw his sister in heaven (she was never born, she was a miscarriage that Mom and Dad never told this young man about) and also his Great Grandpa (on his dads side apparently). This whole thing turned into a book, which I am thinking about getting, called "Heaven is for Real".
I have some very unorthodox beliefs but no matter what my beliefs are, this to me is an amazingly beautiful story. And it also is a somewhat familiar story to me as well. I've discussed my childhood in regards to my father situation but I never mentioned how my "oma and ota" were such a very large part of turning me into the man I am. For a time period (the amount of years I am unsure) I lived with them instead of my mom. I looked up to them and I still believe my Grandma was the most wonderful woman in the world to this day. But what I want to talk about comes from my ota. He, a few times, had told me a story under the pretenses of proving to me that heaven was real, about how his father, at a very old age, was lying on his death bed and he and his mother were both there in the room (not sure who else). His father passed away and his mom pounded on his chest in frustration begging him not to leave her yet. After a minute, or roundabout, he did come back to life and he asked her why she did that. He explained that he had been in heaven and it was so beautiful. Why did she bring him back? My Grandpa (ota) explained it very seriously and said that it was how he knew without a doubt that heaven existed. His father lived for a little time longer but when he passed, I believe his story of heaven helped all his loved ones deal with the loss and possibly, as I believe it should for all of us, made them happy that he left one life to start his eternal life.
One last short little story. Last night I was talking to a wonderful woman who has attached her life to a man that I had given up on. This man is a family member of mine and has chosen a path in life that is very hurtful to not only him but to many others and has spent lots of time behind bars because of it. She turned to me for some advice which I am always all to willing to give my opinion even though I think I'm a bit crazy. And through the discussions she gave me a huge compliment that made my heart smile. My crazy, unusual beliefs were shared and somehow out of it she says, "right on i have never thought of it that way. you know i really like talking to you it is nice t talk to a person that makes things better makes people feel good about themselves." It made me very warm inside and I hope that I have that effect on others in my life down my path.
Thanks for reading,
James
I'm not one of those people who really enjoys watching the news but every time I open my browser I like to look through the headlines and when something catches my attention I check it out. Today there was a story about a young boy, 11 years old, who at the age of 4 had his appendix burst and wasn't noticed for like 5 days and when they realized there were some issues, he was taken to the hospital but his chances looked bad. Apparently, he "died" during this process because he says he was in "Heaven" sitting on Jesus' lap. The young boy saw his sister in heaven (she was never born, she was a miscarriage that Mom and Dad never told this young man about) and also his Great Grandpa (on his dads side apparently). This whole thing turned into a book, which I am thinking about getting, called "Heaven is for Real".
I have some very unorthodox beliefs but no matter what my beliefs are, this to me is an amazingly beautiful story. And it also is a somewhat familiar story to me as well. I've discussed my childhood in regards to my father situation but I never mentioned how my "oma and ota" were such a very large part of turning me into the man I am. For a time period (the amount of years I am unsure) I lived with them instead of my mom. I looked up to them and I still believe my Grandma was the most wonderful woman in the world to this day. But what I want to talk about comes from my ota. He, a few times, had told me a story under the pretenses of proving to me that heaven was real, about how his father, at a very old age, was lying on his death bed and he and his mother were both there in the room (not sure who else). His father passed away and his mom pounded on his chest in frustration begging him not to leave her yet. After a minute, or roundabout, he did come back to life and he asked her why she did that. He explained that he had been in heaven and it was so beautiful. Why did she bring him back? My Grandpa (ota) explained it very seriously and said that it was how he knew without a doubt that heaven existed. His father lived for a little time longer but when he passed, I believe his story of heaven helped all his loved ones deal with the loss and possibly, as I believe it should for all of us, made them happy that he left one life to start his eternal life.
One last short little story. Last night I was talking to a wonderful woman who has attached her life to a man that I had given up on. This man is a family member of mine and has chosen a path in life that is very hurtful to not only him but to many others and has spent lots of time behind bars because of it. She turned to me for some advice which I am always all to willing to give my opinion even though I think I'm a bit crazy. And through the discussions she gave me a huge compliment that made my heart smile. My crazy, unusual beliefs were shared and somehow out of it she says, "right on i have never thought of it that way. you know i really like talking to you it is nice t talk to a person that makes things better makes people feel good about themselves." It made me very warm inside and I hope that I have that effect on others in my life down my path.
Thanks for reading,
James
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Messing Around
The little monsters are here with me again and this time I have a video to prove it! Tell me their not scary!
I hooked up my XBox Live Vision camera to my TV and we're messing around with it. The 'negative' effect on it ended up being the most fun. They laughed a lot at it and so did I so I decided why not post it up for you to see. Also, I took a picture of all of us in this mode.
Hope you enjoy checking it out as much as we had fun making it! LOL
Now we're going to relax and calm down. Have a great evening and sleep well :)
James
I hooked up my XBox Live Vision camera to my TV and we're messing around with it. The 'negative' effect on it ended up being the most fun. They laughed a lot at it and so did I so I decided why not post it up for you to see. Also, I took a picture of all of us in this mode.
Now we're going to relax and calm down. Have a great evening and sleep well :)
James
Sunday, March 13, 2011
My lifes starting point
I've been looking through a lot of other blogs trying to find some others about the same subjects that I'm planning on writing about and haven't had much luck. However, I have discovered that most blogs are about the writer or close family members. Made me think that I should write about my personal life, although I will continue to write about the other aspects that I have already mentioned. This way, you can get to know me in a way that basically nobody else can. Obviously, it's all from my perspective but I'll do the best I can. Also, I understand for those of you who bother to read this, I am not a very good writer. I write what I think and it doesn't exactly come out academically. LOL
To start things off I guess I will say that I was born in Hawthorne, CA and for the first 3 years of my non-memory filled life I lived in Gardena, CA with my mom and E (The dad that is on my birth certificate) until my Grandpa got transferred to Napa, CA and their kids, including my mom, followed along like little ducklings. At that time my mom didn't give much of an option to 'dad', I'm going, are you going with. Henceforth, I never knew him.
I will continue this story soon. Ran out of time, must get other stuff done. Until then, enjoy yourself.
James
I was going to start a whole new post but decided to try editing this one instead. Here goes.
So, I never knew my dad. What I did know was that E was on my birth certificate and that my Grandma swore up and down that B was my dad not E. What I didn't know was vast and now I know much more and can put the puzzle together pretty well. I think however, I will put off telling more about what I know now that I didn't know then till a little later. First, I will go over my early life because it was influenced greatly by the lack of knowledge about my dad situation. I truly believe that if I was a little more informed that it may have been different but it's all part of what made me, me. Although, that's not always what I wish it was, I'm happy with it! :)
I grew up very anti-social and extremely shy. Not to mention that I was always being told how smart I was and how good I was going to do. In an unfortunate way this drove me to be very unsatisfied and depressed. I tried hard to make sure that I continued to do good but it didn't always work out. The first time I had to move from one school to another I rebelled against it all and started failing and then I would forge my moms signature on my bad grades. Needless to say, I got into trouble quite a bit but it didn't last very long.
My childhood was very uninteresting as I remember it. I didn't have very many friends at all and I never wanted to bring them over to my house because I was embarrassed of it. It was rarely clean, my mom spent most of her time yelling either at me or one of the other two siblings. So, every once in awhile I would hang out with a friend of mine but mostly I just lived in my bedroom, hung out at the creek or rode my bicycle around. I didn't get involved in school functions, which is something I really wish I would have done, and I didn't play games much. Some of it had to do with finances. We didn't have money to spend on "silly" things, but mostly because I didn't know how to interact with others. I had a very low self esteem and took everything overly serious.
Well, back to the dad situation. I don't remember for sure when F came into our lives but I know that I really started to notice a father figure in my life around 13 or so. I isolated myself from everything and it was mostly because what I saw I didn't like (Drugs and angry people). In fact, I think I may have some repressed memories, sometimes I feel like I repressed a lot of the bad things that happened. Not sure.
But I started getting out of my shell hanging out with F working on vehicles. I don't think I was involved enough but I do know that I started having an interest in it and I think that it was simply because there was a man in my life that had an interest in it and was willing to involve me now and then.
At about 24 I decided that I was done hiding myself from my father situation and I found contact information for E and I called him. He was very excited to hear from me and said that he had been waiting for that day. It was rather exciting for me as well but I think because of the disagreement between my mother and grandmother (Oma) about who my father was I don't think I was as excited as I should have been. My girlfriend at the time who became my wife a little later and my ex wife recently and I flew down to meet him and his wife. It was a great trip and went very well. I'm extremely glad to have made the decision to call him and get connected and forever he will be dad. However, there was this thought in the back of my head about B. The only picture I had of him was from my moms and his wedding and he looked a lot like me. In fact, many people said they were very certain that he had to be my dad.
Just last year, I got contact information for B and decided to give him a call. The difference with the call I made to B and the one I made to E was that when I called E I was calling my dad and I was treating it exactly as such. When I called B, I was calling someone who may be my dad but I already had my dad in my life. So, when I explained who I was and the reason for calling, I also explained that all I wanted was a DNA test so that I could know for sure. He agreed and we had a few conversations in the mean time before getting the process started. B explained much more of the overall story than I had ever known up to this point. Him and E had been working together at PB and he was married to my mom when one day she (my mother) came to him and said that she was pregnant but it was not his. She had an affair with E and it was his child not B's. You can imagine the feelings he had about this. Now for me, I was born of an affair and my whole life I was not aware of the specific fact but I was aware that I was born out of wedlock because my mom was not married to E. But then the twist. My Oma was right. The test came back that B was my biological father which also meant that I was actually born in wedlock although a twisted and not so connected one. I have not yet met B and I hope to do so sooner than later but there are much too many things going on in my life to be able to focus on that.
More to come in future posts. Next post however will be something different because honestly, I'm getting a little depressed thinking about this stuff and I was in a pretty good mood before hand. Thank you to everyone who actually read through this. It feels good to get it out in this fashion oddly enough. I hope that E does not stumble on this (I doubt he will) for I have not told him the details and seeing as how he has no other children and is not in very good health (diabetic with a not so strong heart), I have not figured out how or if I am going to tell him.
Till next time,
James
To start things off I guess I will say that I was born in Hawthorne, CA and for the first 3 years of my non-memory filled life I lived in Gardena, CA with my mom and E (The dad that is on my birth certificate) until my Grandpa got transferred to Napa, CA and their kids, including my mom, followed along like little ducklings. At that time my mom didn't give much of an option to 'dad', I'm going, are you going with. Henceforth, I never knew him.
I will continue this story soon. Ran out of time, must get other stuff done. Until then, enjoy yourself.
James
I was going to start a whole new post but decided to try editing this one instead. Here goes.
So, I never knew my dad. What I did know was that E was on my birth certificate and that my Grandma swore up and down that B was my dad not E. What I didn't know was vast and now I know much more and can put the puzzle together pretty well. I think however, I will put off telling more about what I know now that I didn't know then till a little later. First, I will go over my early life because it was influenced greatly by the lack of knowledge about my dad situation. I truly believe that if I was a little more informed that it may have been different but it's all part of what made me, me. Although, that's not always what I wish it was, I'm happy with it! :)
I grew up very anti-social and extremely shy. Not to mention that I was always being told how smart I was and how good I was going to do. In an unfortunate way this drove me to be very unsatisfied and depressed. I tried hard to make sure that I continued to do good but it didn't always work out. The first time I had to move from one school to another I rebelled against it all and started failing and then I would forge my moms signature on my bad grades. Needless to say, I got into trouble quite a bit but it didn't last very long.
My childhood was very uninteresting as I remember it. I didn't have very many friends at all and I never wanted to bring them over to my house because I was embarrassed of it. It was rarely clean, my mom spent most of her time yelling either at me or one of the other two siblings. So, every once in awhile I would hang out with a friend of mine but mostly I just lived in my bedroom, hung out at the creek or rode my bicycle around. I didn't get involved in school functions, which is something I really wish I would have done, and I didn't play games much. Some of it had to do with finances. We didn't have money to spend on "silly" things, but mostly because I didn't know how to interact with others. I had a very low self esteem and took everything overly serious.
Well, back to the dad situation. I don't remember for sure when F came into our lives but I know that I really started to notice a father figure in my life around 13 or so. I isolated myself from everything and it was mostly because what I saw I didn't like (Drugs and angry people). In fact, I think I may have some repressed memories, sometimes I feel like I repressed a lot of the bad things that happened. Not sure.
But I started getting out of my shell hanging out with F working on vehicles. I don't think I was involved enough but I do know that I started having an interest in it and I think that it was simply because there was a man in my life that had an interest in it and was willing to involve me now and then.
At about 24 I decided that I was done hiding myself from my father situation and I found contact information for E and I called him. He was very excited to hear from me and said that he had been waiting for that day. It was rather exciting for me as well but I think because of the disagreement between my mother and grandmother (Oma) about who my father was I don't think I was as excited as I should have been. My girlfriend at the time who became my wife a little later and my ex wife recently and I flew down to meet him and his wife. It was a great trip and went very well. I'm extremely glad to have made the decision to call him and get connected and forever he will be dad. However, there was this thought in the back of my head about B. The only picture I had of him was from my moms and his wedding and he looked a lot like me. In fact, many people said they were very certain that he had to be my dad.
Just last year, I got contact information for B and decided to give him a call. The difference with the call I made to B and the one I made to E was that when I called E I was calling my dad and I was treating it exactly as such. When I called B, I was calling someone who may be my dad but I already had my dad in my life. So, when I explained who I was and the reason for calling, I also explained that all I wanted was a DNA test so that I could know for sure. He agreed and we had a few conversations in the mean time before getting the process started. B explained much more of the overall story than I had ever known up to this point. Him and E had been working together at PB and he was married to my mom when one day she (my mother) came to him and said that she was pregnant but it was not his. She had an affair with E and it was his child not B's. You can imagine the feelings he had about this. Now for me, I was born of an affair and my whole life I was not aware of the specific fact but I was aware that I was born out of wedlock because my mom was not married to E. But then the twist. My Oma was right. The test came back that B was my biological father which also meant that I was actually born in wedlock although a twisted and not so connected one. I have not yet met B and I hope to do so sooner than later but there are much too many things going on in my life to be able to focus on that.
More to come in future posts. Next post however will be something different because honestly, I'm getting a little depressed thinking about this stuff and I was in a pretty good mood before hand. Thank you to everyone who actually read through this. It feels good to get it out in this fashion oddly enough. I hope that E does not stumble on this (I doubt he will) for I have not told him the details and seeing as how he has no other children and is not in very good health (diabetic with a not so strong heart), I have not figured out how or if I am going to tell him.
Till next time,
James
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
The Starting Line
Every race has a starting point and so does everything else in life. So, this is my starting point for my blog.
Hmmmm.... What will I talk about?
Whatever I feel like!!! :) Alright fine, I will be focussed on the things that are my passion. Photography, Family, and Motorcycles! Especially motorcycles and the racing of them. MotoGP will be a large part of my discussions I'm sure and also other motorcycle road racing venues (i.e. AMA, WorldSBK, Isle of Mann, etc...) Also, I have had to put my pursuit of my own business aside for now but I will still be doing a few things with it until I can reopen big :) and those things will also be discussed.
How often will I post?
I will try to work up to the point where nearly every day I am posting something up but for now I will stick with a more reasonable goal of once per week.
So, now I have gotten my self to the starting point and the race is on. Hope to see you on the track and even have you join me in carving a few corners.
Klamath Falls fast, James
Hmmmm.... What will I talk about?
Whatever I feel like!!! :) Alright fine, I will be focussed on the things that are my passion. Photography, Family, and Motorcycles! Especially motorcycles and the racing of them. MotoGP will be a large part of my discussions I'm sure and also other motorcycle road racing venues (i.e. AMA, WorldSBK, Isle of Mann, etc...) Also, I have had to put my pursuit of my own business aside for now but I will still be doing a few things with it until I can reopen big :) and those things will also be discussed.
How often will I post?
I will try to work up to the point where nearly every day I am posting something up but for now I will stick with a more reasonable goal of once per week.
So, now I have gotten my self to the starting point and the race is on. Hope to see you on the track and even have you join me in carving a few corners.
Klamath Falls fast, James
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